Broken
by Anne Bensler
Summary: Kathy Stabler knows what's up. She has known from the beginning. A one-shot based on a Pink song.


**In case you didn't know, I LOVE Pink's music. Whenever I hear this song, I always think that the relationship the song is about is doomed, no matter how hard they may want to keep trying. And it made me think of another relationship that is doomed.**

 **Kathy Stabler knows. She has always known. She can't say everything out loud that she's thinking but this is how she feels. The three lines of speech I've inserted here are originally from Season 1. Let that sink in ...**

 **Listen to Kathy tell us her thoughts to the lines of this beautiful, sad song.**

...

 **Broken**

 _Right from the start you were a thief, you stole my heart, and I your willing victim  
_ _I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty, and with every touch you fixed them_ _  
_

I know it hasn't always been easy and we had a tense start with the baby and all, and everyone gossiping about us. The gossip in church was even worse than in school. But I loved you then and I love you now. You stood up for me. You wouldn't let anyone bother me or call me names, and you shrugged it off when the gossip was about you. When we got married, I was the happiest girl alive, even without the fancy dress and the flower girls. You were so strong and determined to give me and our child a good life and you worked so hard. I was so proud of you and I still am. Honestly, I still am, even if I'm having a hard time showing it these days.

 _Now you've been talking in your sleep.  
Things you never say to me tell me that you've had enough of our love, our love …_

We don't see each other enough. The kids don't see you enough. Most of the time, they're in bed before you get home. If you get home at all. I've tried so hard not to worry about it and I've tried so hard to ignore the signs. But I can't ignore them any longer because you whisper her name in your sleep.

Olivia.

I know she's your partner and I pretend you're dreaming about working with her but I'm not a complete idiot. I know you're falling for her and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't do this alone if you won't fight for us. So I'm begging you to keep fighting for us ...

 _Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough  
_ _Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again  
_ _It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts  
_ _We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again_ _  
_

…

You just don't get it.

 _\- I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from  
_ _\- I thought that we were fine  
(Oh, we had everything)_ _  
_

You tell me you love me and that I'm imagining things. You're just extremely busy, and you have to work to pay our mortgage. I know that. And I know it's important to get rapists off the streets. Of course I don't want our girls to be assaulted and you have to help the women who were hurt to get justice. I get all that and that's not what I mean. Can't you see that it's about Olivia without making me say it out loud? We had everything but it's slipping through my fingers.

 _\- Your head is running wild again, My dear we still have everything  
_ _\- And it's all in your mind  
(Yeah, but this is happening)_ _  
_

You tell me that we're fine. The kids are doing well in school and they're happy. You're not home as much as you'd like to but you're still their father. I never said you weren't. I just miss you. I miss what we used to have. The intimacy of our midnight talks, cuddled up in bed together. It isn't even about the sex, although I miss that too. I just feel like even when you're lying next to me, you're not really there. And it hurts.

 _\- You've been having real bad dreams  
_ _\- You used to lie so close to me_ _  
_

Don't tell me it's all in my head. I'm not dreaming when I'm listening to you at night, moaning and whispering words of love. Those words aren't for me. Not anymore. They're for her. Why would I sleep in your arms when you're imagining you're with someone else? But I can't tell you that out loud.

 _There's nothing more than empty sheets between our love, our love  
_ _Oh our love, our love_ _  
_

If you would just admit it, we'd have a starting point. You've done this job a long time with different partners. You could work with someone else again, even if you say you and her are a perfect team. I know you two have the highest closing rate in the precinct but that doesn't mean you couldn't do your job with another partner. You just don't want to. If you were really serious about fixing our marriage, you'd do anything. You know you have a choice. Please, for our sake and the kids, make the right one.

 _Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough  
_ _Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again  
_ _I never stop, you're still written in the scars on my heart  
_ _You're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again_ _  
_

I love you, Elliot. You're my husband, and although we married young, I chose you with all my heart. I know I get on your nerves sometimes but I just need you so badly. I can't raise our children on my own and despite having such a beautiful, large family, I'm lonely.

 _Oh tear ducts and rust  
_ _\- I'll fix it for us  
_ _We're collecting dust, but our love's enough_ _  
_

You tell me you're still here for me. That nothing's changed and that everything you do is for us, your family. You ask me what more you can do to prove it but you turn away the instant I ask you to consider a transfer. Love is a two-way street and we both have to make sacrifices if we want this to work.

I ask you what's going on at work.

"Nothing," is all you tell me.

I have no idea what kind of horrors you see every day and I wish you could talk to me so I could help you, and so I could understand you better. But you don't talk to me.

"You talk to Olivia about it," I say.

You swallow your beer and nod. Then you tell me,

"She's my partner."

As if that's the answer for everything. You don't realize how much it hurts me.

 _\- You're holding it in  
_ _You're pouring a drink  
_ _\- No nothing is as bad as it seems  
_ _We'll come clean_ _  
_

I don't want to cry. I just need you to listen. You tell me I'm bottling things up - you of all people! - but you're more focused on the scotch you're pouring yourself after that first beer than on our conversation. Maybe you're thinking of her again already. How she doesn't nag like me. What a perfect team you are. How she understands you. You tell me everything is going to be fine but your words are detached. Maybe you want to mean them. Maybe you're even trying to fool yourself. But you're not fooling me. Not unless you make a choice. A _real_ choice.

 _Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough  
_ _Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again  
_ _It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts  
_ _That we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again  
_ _Oh we can learn to love again_ _  
_

You don't want to talk anymore. Because you're tired, you say. It's not the only reason and I guess we both know it by now. And I know that when I see you off again in the morning, you will go to the one place where you really want to be.

Next to her.

Olivia.

...

 **END**


End file.
